OK, feeling a little lack of control again now. The human condition is a weird one. A few weeks ago I was blogging how happy I was to have beaten off the things that made me guilty, and felt great about that. A couple of weeks ago, I feel like my occasional cheat didn't actually cause any guilt. It's like guilt gets forced to the background by other feelings, and here I am feeling guilty only when things spiral a bit. In my defence, I've still been very good overall, and avoiding a tonne of temptation, but there are gaping holes starting to show in this boat, and those holes need attention, or sinking is a possibility.
OK, to start with the facts. Had good food Friday, finished off with a couple of drinks. 3 white wines (wife wasn't drinking much), 2 bourbons that night, might have had a handful of nuts too (those things are killers). Nothing too bad there. Weigh in (after half a bad breakfast, but I doubt it makes a difference), still 101.5 kgs. Disappointed? Surprised to be honest. I may have eaten a little bad that week, but I felt thin on Friday, thought I'd dropped a little weight. I was a little guilty for eating the lunches and a couple of nut handfuls during the week. Saturday was typical cheat day. Breakfast was pancakes, lunch was ham, cheese and pineapple grill (and 2 beers), then had a party at night. Finished up probably having 6 more beers, and 2 bourbons. Food was chips, dip and crackers, steak, sausage, salad, desert and a couple of chocolates. Also had a packet of chips after everyone left, and signed off with a small ice cream before bed. Pretty huge cheat night. Sunday is possibly the hardest day of the week. Cravings don't easily go away, plus the rest of the family seems to still pig out on this day, so I have to watch as my wife has chocolates, chips, nuts, bad breakfast etc, etc, kids have lollies, biscuits, ice creams etc, etc. I did OK up until late afternoon. I planned my usual 2 beers, but also wanted some wine with dinner, but wife had leftover champagne for herself only. So had a 3rd beer, then wife accidentally opened a beer thinking it was a diet coke can. I ended up having 4 beers and 3 bourbons, which is way too much for a Sunday. On the eating side, I had a good sized dinner already of leftover steak and salad, but wife dished over a sausage, so I should be 100% full right? Still had 2 handful of nuts (told you, they are killing me), but given I had too many drinks, went back for a 3rd handful, then a very small chocolate.
Spelt out, this doesn't sound rediculously bad, it's just things are starting to come undone little by little, and I'm worried this is the first time in weeks I've had any guilt. I should have felt more guilty after the first extra beer, or the first handful of nuts. The nuts are really quite wrong, no need to be snacking while eating big meals like I tend to do. So they have to go. Work lunches are a difficult decision. I'd like to do it every 2 weeks I think, so really have to skip this week unless something out of the usual happens. Other snacks really have to wait until Saturday, but to be honest I've dealt with a lot of tempation in that area and have triumphed really. So alcohol is the last foe.
My alcohol week by day was nothing, nothing, 2 reds, 1.5 whites + 2 reds + 1 bourbon, 3 whites + 2 bourbons, 8 beers + 2 bourbons, 4 beers + 3 bourbons. Even though I consumed a heap on Saturday, Thursday and Sunday are the killers here. I really need to control these back to being purely wine nights, no beers or bourbons. The Sunday afternoon beer sounds good in theory, but if I have those early beers, I just want to drink until bed. Thursday is similar as I have wines with dinner and don't want to stop. The 2 reds nights work, because I do all my eating, excersize, chores, then sit down to 2 reds, and don't really have time to drink crazily, and feel more in control. So unfornately (as it's hard to top a late afternoon summer beer, or wine with dinner outside) I need to stop having afternoon/dinner drinks on non-weekend nights, or if I choose to do that sometimes, have to dry up afterwards, rather than continuing on. I have to be strict with that, it's just part of who/where I want to be.
So after saying last week I want to loosen up into a long term routine, this week is now looking super tight diet week again :) Perhaps this is just a case of trying tweaks here and there to find the perfect routine, but really it looks as though I want to keep it to tight diet, with the occasional extra cheat meal here or there. No snacks/extra drinks permitted, unless it's cheat day? Very healthy, not sure that's long term productive.
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