This is a very split post. A weird diet week one would say. Winding back to last week, I said it was time to open up the diet a little. Have occasional work lunches, have the occasional thing not on the strict diet. In the end I had 2 lunches out, snacked on nuts quite a few times, and drank too much, and didn't feel happy with all of that. So this week was going to be one of getting back on track. So far it's split between my eating and drinking. On the food side I've done really well, with one handful of nuts (the last of them thankfully) through to Thursday, so that is shaping up very well. But, I've been drinking every night so far this week, so that's still going poorly.
I guess I have to recap. Monday I was too busy at work for my last green tea I usually have, and was starving by the time I got home. Once home, the immediate thought of what would make the hunger go away, was any of the multitude of snacks in our house. The kids said they wanted chocolates left over from the party, I got it for them, but decided against myself. I don't know why, but I love I could do this. I opted instead for a stick of carrot, and that actually worked great. But somewhere in my mind, I made a mental excuse for now being able to have a couple of drinks that night. I had 2 reds later on. Tuesday is a tough day. This last year, my wife works Monday and Wednesday, so Tuesday she's at home, and it often leads to wine with dinner. The problem is I keep drinking, and then don't want to go dry Wednesday. Basically, it makes my drinking week far worse. The last few weeks we've been a little better on Tuesdays, but I was armed with a YES for when my wife asked if we should have a wine with dinner. I ended up drinking on, but slowly. 1.5 glasses of white, 2 reds, 1 bourbon. Not chaos, but this is only Tuesday. Last night was a good guitar night, where I get out in the garage and play music, usually accompanied by drinks. This case it was 3 reds and a bourbon.
So, why? Why did I say cut down on drinks 3 days ago, and here I am blogging about too many drinks? How come I'd easily cut down on drinks a few weeks ago, but now everything has to end with a couple more or drinking nights I don't want to? I've been asking these questions the last couple of days, and my mind was been wandering around trying to understand. So far I'm thinking Oracle from Matrix movies, her sign over the door, Know Thyself. Insanely powerful words. The fact is, you can beat down cravings in the short term, mainly because it's almost like a game, a bit of fun. But once you've proven you can do something, the fun dwindles quickly, and you are left at your normal point. You are left with thyself. You can trick thyself for a little while, and maybe even lose the cravings, but you won't change who you are. You've already been dealt that hand. It's not a case of giving up on trying either. Life should be about constantly trying things. So what if sometimes you fail, it doesn't mean it wasn't worth trying. And really, REALLY, who is thyself? How can you really know that unless you try things. If you just keep doing the very basic things, and never try anything, how do you know your boundaries? How do you know who you really are? I honestly don't know who I am still at 36 years old. Am I a guy who has to drink way too much? I don't know. I've slowed right down, will that be temporary, or am I going to be full speed ahead by Christmas, Christmas 2012 or 2030? I honestly don't know, but I'm going to try to be good.
So since I've almost ruined this week already, and we have friends coming over Sunday, this week is officially a write off. I'm not going crazy the next couple of days, I'm just not going to try anything big tonight. I'm going to tell my wife on the weekend, I can't have wine with her during dinner, except Friday and Saturday nights. If I actually tell her, rather than just telling me, she'll help me do that, and that will almost certainly work. I really don't mind having 2 reds any night of the week, but if I start with dinner wine, I have to stop after dinner, which I'm struggling to do. Hopefully she'll also stop Tuesday and Thursday night drinks too then, but that's up to her. But in saying I don't mind having 2 reds any night, I still want to start a lot of my weeks with 0 alcohol the first two days of the week. It's not actually that hard for me, and it just starts my week off in the right direction. Closer to the weekend, I don't mind always having 2 glasses of red, but I still have to learn to control that, especially Thursday. Sunday will be the hardest though. I'm home, and love having a late afternoon beer. But one thing I know about thyself, is I don't like to stop after those beers. It goes against my very fabric to just stop at 2 friendly beers. I know this as much as I know anything in my life, and I honestly don't expect that to change as I get older. But in any case, next week, I just have to try to be better.
So, to end on some good news. I'm feeling good. Drinks aside, my body is looking very good and feeling great. I'm starting to really see a nice shape forming, and every week I see a little more definition. Food cravings are all but gone. On a normal day after work 2 months ago, I'd be buying a packet of chips for the trip home, having crackers and peanut butter when I get home, having a huge rice/pasta dinner, eating a biscuit or two, having some ice cream, then more crackers later on often. Granted stress was involved, but I really have stopped wanting most of those things. I couldn't care less about breads, pastas, rice. I still like crackers, but don't sit there thinking about them non-stop while at home, not in the slightest. I also love my chips, but I would buy them any opportunity I could before. Filling petrol, buying alcohol, buying groceries, I'd always sneak in a packet. I would even take a trip to the supermarket near work just to buy chips, and I'm talking a big bag at a time. I still love chips, but will walk out of work, out of petrol stations, out of supermarkets with no chips, and not even feel the urge. If anything, I just think about whether there is a special I can buy for upcoming cheat day, but haven't pre-bought cheat day foods yet either. Thyself, as I understand it so far, isn't really that junk food obsessed. This is obviously great news, and I will keeping trying to discover what my real food urges are in the long run, but so far they are minimal.
So this weekend. I'll probably have drinks tonight, yes I'm bad. I plan to have 1.5 whites with dinner, 2 reds after, and there will probably be a bourbon. Friday, pretty much the same. Food wise, it will be quiet until cheat day. I expect to weigh in at about 100 kgs on Saturday, although I thought that last week too and the scales went up if anything. I will have the kids to myself Saturday, so might take them out for a meal, yet to be determined, but we'll do something nice. Sunday people are coming over, so I'm planning a cheat meal on that day. Nothing too bad though, perhaps just a couple of beers and whatever desert is there that night. From there, it's a whole new week to work at.
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