Blogging again with pretty much the same story to tell as yesterday. I'm consciously aware of the guilt factor now, and that is a driver in itself. I'm not sure how long that might last, but when I'm thinking of further drinks or food at night time, I think about the guilt I'll wear the rest of the night, plus the next day when I have to report failure.
It's actually not the first guilt killer I've done this last year. I've had more than one little guilt vice. First and foremost is probably my relationship with my wife. Don't get me wrong, it's a strong, communicative relationship, but it's not always as committing as it could be. For example, just to go to bed at the same time, when I am doing nothing at all interesting, is avoided for no good reason. But I'm slowly overcoming that. I felt like I had a need to have a few minutes of alone time, but you soon realise once you've built that into your life, it squashes out other things, like relationships with people. And not just wife, but family and friends too. Lifes far less interesting in your own cave. I mean at my worst, in my own cave, drinking vritually by myself after the wife is down. No great reason for this, it seems rediculous.
Drinking is certainly another guilt factor. I would be happy with 4 drinks at home, then it became 6, then 8. Even after 2 you are feeling a little tipsy, anything beyond that is really just drinking for drinking sake. Not that I won't enjoy doing that still on the weekend, maybe 4 drinks Friday, 6 on a Saturday. It's still fun to get to that next level of drunk, just not all the time.
Work was definitely one. When I'm not interested in what I'm doing, I avoid the work (which I can do really well :)), then feel guilty at work for not doing what I should be, then guilty at home for not working hard for the prior 8 hours. I find if I get home having worked a solid 8 hours, regardless of what I'm doing, I feel 100% better about myself. I've been doing that a lot more this last 6-12 months. Work loves me, I love me more importantly.
One unresolved guilt is my lack of keeping up with friends. Since I've built a lot of me time into my life, and family and work take up the rest, I find myself keeping my schedules vague to friends looking to catch up. This has drive some away, and made catchups with others far less frequent. Again this is not healthy and causes guilt.
The point is I'm feeling so much better in the morning the last two days. Not because I didn't overdrink last night, but because I had a couple of drinks, then said no more. It's pride in trying to turn a corner towards a healthier outlook. And with that pride comes a great removal of guilt.
So basically I want to set this as a life stance. When decisions are to be made, which ones cause more guilt? This is most likely the wrong decision, go with the other. I just want to see if this is alwyas possible, and what sense comes of that. I'll obviously not do anything stupid, but I do want to see if this guilt thing is a good measure of how to live your life.
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